Oh, that backless dress

A few weeks ago, I saw a post of Eva, a model I follow on Instagram, in a stunning red backless dress. Her skin was glowing, and her back looked flawless in the dress. When I saw the photo, I admired it, but then, within a second, I thought, “My back would not look like that in that dress.”

In the same moment that I admired her in that dress, I also thought of my own back: the waist dip on my right and the folds in my back. And no matter how hard I train in the gym, and trust me, I go hard, these are parts of me moulded by my spine that cannot be changed.

Most days, I love my body and all it is capable of, but sometimes I see a photo like that, and I am reminded of the parts of my body I still feel insecure about.

***

A few years ago, I decided to try my own version of exposure therapy. I realised that the only way to become more comfortable with my back was to stop hiding it. I picked out two gorgeous bikini sets for a girls’ holiday. The first was a pink top with blue bottoms, and the bottoms had gold chain detailing at the ends of the waistline. The second was an orange top with pink bottoms. I liked these sets because I could mix and match them and have different combinations for the holiday.

That summer, before the holiday, I worked extra hard in the gym because I wanted my body to look good. Waist snatched, glutes popping, everything sitting right and tight. I thought that if I looked good and felt good, I wouldn’t be too self-conscious about my back. I wanted to prove to myself that I could overcome how I felt about my back and that it didn’t have to stop me from wearing those gorgeous bikini sets I’d picked out.

On the first beach day, I put on the pink bikini bottoms and orange top. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Everything is sitting right." I was happy. I took a couple of pictures and headed to the beach with my girl. I looked good and I felt good.

Initially, I was a bit self-conscious as we walked to and down the beach, but I decided to get out of my head and just enjoy the moment. When we found two lounge chairs, we put our stuff down, and I got the speaker out and put on some Afrobeats so we could get into the fun beach mood.

After singing and dancing to some tunes, it was photoshoot time. You know how it is with girls on holiday, we have got to get our pictures. I took some pictures and videos of my friend, and she did the same for me. I felt like I was shooting for Sports Illustrated, hitting every pose I remembered from Top Model.

I even made one of the photos my lock screen because I wanted to remind myself of what I had overcome and also, I looked really good.

That day taught me a few things. One, that for me to get over feeling self-conscious about a part of myself I cannot change, I had to do something I was scared of. Two, everyone is so concerned about themselves that no one cares about my back as much as I do.

Since that day, I’ve been wearing more bikinis, but with backless dresses, I still feel self-conscious, and I don’t really know why. I think maybe it’s because backless dresses are specifically designed to expose the back; that is their style. With them, I feel like I am revealing my imperfections and putting them on display. A bikini exposes my back too, but somehow, it doesn’t feel like it is about my back.

A backless dress does.

The back is the feature. It is the point of the dress. It is part of what makes the dress beautiful. And when I wear one, I feel like I am deliberately drawing attention to a part of myself I am not 100% confident about.

As much as I champion body confidence, being free to express every part of yourself and wearing what you want. Feeling completely at ease in a backless dress is still something I am working on and I wonder if I’ll ever get to a place where I see a backless dress I love, pick it up and simply put it on without thinking twice.